2011 06 08: Big Trouble In Little China

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Mission Name: Big Trouble In Little China
Date of Mission: June 8, 2011
Locale: Lee's Dim Sum Restaurant

Hungover and hungry, Mimi's order comes too late and is held up even more when Lip decides to make a grand entrance.


Lip Mimi

It's lunchtime in New York, and that means that the hoardes of lunch masses have started to descend upon eateries. The Chinese noodle house is a little less busy than most places, it's still fairly dense with customers. Mimi is one such customer and frankly? She looks like a hot mess. She's more likely than anything still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, given their rumpled appearance. The blonde's hair is in a messy disarray that she's tried to fix poorly. The smell of liquor wafting off of her is nothing short of epic and well past the point of Betty Ford levels too. She barely looks like she knows where she's at, much less like she's even awake.

When a waitress passes her table, she snaps her fingers at the girl. "I ordered…" Pause, think, think! "My order at least twenty minutes ago. I'm hungry and I'm hungover. Bring it now." The waitress stares at the blonde like she's grown another head before scurrying off in the other direction. Mimi simply sips her Coke and then stares down at the table in front of her. "What the Hell did I do last night…"

"Soo Yung! Soo Yung!"

Lip's voice rings out as he busts into the Chinese eatery and he's raising his hands up and very much probably getting attention from the majority of the room. He's loud as hell, even during the lunch hour. "Hey! Hey! Don't nobody move, man! This ain't a stick up, cuz I ain't got no gun! But I do need a little chinese girl! Anybody seen a littel chinese girl?!"

There's a couple at the corner table that looks at Lip in 'that' way. Lip just frowns and looks back at them. "Do I look like R. Kelly?! No! Not like that! I'm lookin' for… oh, there she go." Lip spots a watiress (that was probably just being yelled at by the cast of Mean Girls rolled into One) and he points! "Look here, China Doll! I know you fine and everything, but I still got a bus load of hungry ass tourists outside! Now I done called ahead for a reason! And that reason is traffic's a bitch and I ain't tryin' to be stuck drivin' a bunch of yahoos in this heat and they all whinin' and shit cuz they hungry!! Come on, girl! Do somethin'! Chop Suey! Chow Mein! Something!"

The comments about Lip needing a little Chinese girl haven't done much to move Mimi. She's still wondering what the Hell she did last night and carefully her iPhone for any notes that might give her details about what she's gotten herself into. She seems to strike gold while Lip is yelling, murmuring to herself: "Foster, Big Apple Comics… 8PM? The fuck?" She asks no one in particular, trying to decide what it is she should do with that note.

Things take a turn for the distinctly more interesting when Lip starts telling the waitress that he needs a mass amount of food. Mimi still hasn't gotten hers. Uh oh. She stands up from the table and marches over there, swaying a little bit in the process — blame it on the alcohol — stopping when she's in front of Lip. "Excuse me, but you can't just come in here and tell the staff to serve you in front of people who were already seated here and waiting. I've been here for like, twenty five minutes and I don't even have my order yet, and you come in here yelling about tourists just because you don't want to listen to them whine? If I were you, I would go back out with the tourists, because they're probably a lot nicer than I am and when I whine? It's an almost international affair. Either sit down, shut up, and wait like the rest of us, or go somewhere else." It's rich coming from the person who was herself just demanding that the wait staff move their asses a little faster with her egg rolls and rice bowl.

Lip. Stares.

It's one of those stares that is leading to something. And that something happens to be Lip's mouth.

"OH HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NAW!"

And here it comes.

Lip raises his hand up to put the brakes on his palm as it goes screeching towards the horrible breathed face that belongs to this crazy ass white girl that has invaded all up in his personal space. Not to slap her or anything. Just to block the breath. Ew. "I know you just didn't come up in my face with that Sean Connery Dragon Breath. Please tell me you didn't just come at me with that Sean Connery Dragon Breath!" Lip doesn't even wait for a response, because he's already on the move with the words and his ranting. "Let me explain somethin' to you, Snow White. I been called my order in, okay? Me and Soo Yung? We go way back! So far back I might as well be riding down the river with Huckleberry Finn or some shit. That's how far we go back. So if there's any reason why yo' skinny ass ain't got your food yet, it's me. Right here." Lip brings both of his thumbs back to point at his own fine self. "Now. Just cuz you fine and everything and all up in my grill, I'ma' go ahead and just pretend like you didn't just try and play me. Which'll give you another chance with all this right here…" Lip's hand is waving all up and down and around his chest. Because he's so full of his own fine self. "But you gotta' wait until I feed the busload of Hungry, Hungry Hippos before we take this thing between you and me any further. Okay? Okay! Good! Now move."

And that's when Lip is reaching out to semi-shove this girl out of the way, so he can make it up to the counter where he can get back to getting his food ordered.

"Yo yo! Blackie Chan in the house! Can somebody hook me up?!"

For a long moment, there's pregnant silence on Mimi's end of things. Her facial expression changes constantly from bewildered to pissed off and back in a flash. It's clear she's not used to people telling her off quite like that, New York or not. She opens her mouth a few times to try to respond to him before she's being semi-shoved out of the way. And that's when it happens. The plaintiff cry that every single retail worker, restaurant employee, or civil servant in the state of New York hates to hear.

"Do you know who my daddy is?!" She cries out in a fit of pique. "It doesn't matter anyway because he's not the one you have to be afraid of. It's me. And my breath is the least scary thing about me, son!" Her attempt to be edgy and ghetto is… well… she gets an A for effort. "If you're the reason why my food is late, then you owe me something. I'm an important and busy woman who can't waste her time because of other people's mistakes."

And after a moment of even more stunned silence from her, she reaches out to poke Lip in the shoulder. "And you were the one who was just trying to play me!" She doesn't seem to have a whole lot to add after that, a clear cut mixture of confusion and anger in her eyes. And perhaps disbelief. Who the Hell does he think he is?!

Lip is already leaning on the counter, sliding a piece of paper across it to whomever is working the register and the orders and all that, while he's being poked in the shoulder. "Damn, girl! Can't you see I'm tryin' to handle some business? Hol' up!" He's always trying to do way too many things at once and even right now it's taking him a moment to spin back around and look at the crazy loud and obnoxious white girl.

"Hell naw I don't know who yo' daddy is! But judgin' from what I see here? I'm thinkin' you gotta' be the only Hilton sister with enough brains to get implants." Lip cracks a cocky grin, leaning back on the chinese counter and getting nice and comfortable since he has snuck his way to the front of the line. Having money taped to the underside of a paper with a busload of orders is always good for expiditing of services.

"Look here, Babygirl. I know you want me. It's written all over your face. But I gotta' tell you, you comin' on a little strong. Fuck that. HELLA STRONG cuz your breath is hummin' like a G6, goddamn!" Lip starts pattin' himself down and suddenly comes out of his pocket with a box of Altoids. It gets popped open and he's calming himself down to more respectable levels. "Take One. Please."

Whatever keeps this woman distracted from interrupting his recently placed order.

"Excuse me, Hiltons?" She's validly more upset about this distressingly common mistake rather than the fact that he's implied she has implants. "As if! I've never made a sex tape and I certainly don't have a cocaine problem. That's beneath me." She pauses. "And I can't believe I'm defending this to you, but these are all natural! Again, totally beneath me." She watches his odd transaction and how he's snuck to the front of the line. Suddenly this has become less about how to be a good customer — not that it was ever about that to begin with.

When he offers her the Altoid, she stares annoyedly at him but takes one. "You know, the polite thing to do would not be to scream at the top of your lungs about how someone's morning breath smells and then offer them the breath mint. I can see that you need etiquette lessons. But thank you." She pops the mint into her mouth.

"As for your further accusations? I have a hot date tonight. One guy a day is enough for me, so you'll just have to take a number." And to remind herself exactly of who she's going out with, she takes her iPhone back out of her pocket and looks at the screen. "Yep. I bet this Foster guy could totally beat the Hell out of you too. But that's probably a different story for a different day. What's your name, kid?"

Lip's wordplay has gotten him some interesting responses. Which is all well and good because the food is being cooked and he's getting to see whether or not these things are real. "I dunno. They look pretty fake to me. I know the real deal and those ain't the real deal." Lip then smiles and snaps his fingers, holding up one of them as he realizes something. "Ha! I know! Daddy bought those for you when he paid for you to graduate from high school! Awwwww, so nice of him!"

Lip then roll his eyes slightly, before getting back involved with the deep battle of words that seems to be bouncing back and forth between himself and this crazy white girl. His Altoid case is closed and pocketed in the next moment, though, as he doesn't want her just having free range with his mints. "First of all, anybody named 'Foster' needs to get some damn balls because that name just screams RuPaul's Drag Race, okay?" Lip has no shame in his game right now. "So before you get ya' little boyfriend knocked the fuck out, maybe you best apologize to the man with the master plan that he stole from Stan, the baddest mofo in the land: Me." Dramatic Pause of Pimpitude and his introduction comes out last: "Lip."

"Sorry, you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm not about to let you grab a handful just to 'check and see'." Mimi says, looking around at the restaurant patrons before she eyes him. "At least not here. And not while I'm as sober as I am now." She doesn't deny or confirm any rewards of any sort for her graduating high school, staring at him.

"I'll have you know that Foster is very straight." Not that she remembers anything about him, save for a few flashbacks to a vaguely nerdy fellow in a comic book store. "He's a real man. Last night he rocked my world." There's a slight pause. "And I'm not apologizing to you for jack. If all you can do is rap battle me in a Chinese restaurant, then you're clearly not as impressive as you say." The waitress finally brings Mimi's food to her in a doggy bag. Mimi seems to consider for a moment slapping the bag out of the woman's hand, but she eventually just shoves a fifty into the waitress's hand. "Keep it." It's not said nicely.

"Well, Lip. If you really want to impress me, show me something impressive. You can call me Mimi. I'm sure we'll see each other around in the future if your voice carries as much as it did in here." She starts to walk for the door, suddenly seeming a little more sober than she was before.

As far as Lip is concerned, he's very much happy with the fact that this chick is leaving. "I'ma' hold you to that! I got witnesses! Everybody in here heard you say I can check 'em!" He looks over to some random patron. "You heard her, right? Good man." Lip's laughter is what keeps him from worrying about her anymore. Because she's making with the exiting and all he's going to do at this point is turn back around to the counter. "Hahaha. Impress her. Yeah right. Ain't nobody thinkin' 'bout her ass."

Pause. Lip looks over his shoulder to watch the girl's ass as she makes with the walking to the door. Mmm.

"I don't even like white girls. She crazy out of her mind." He looks at his blinged out watch and then back up at the people cooking his food in the back. "Damn, Soo Yung! Hurry up! Maury's 'bout to come on!"


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